Close the blinds and kill the birds, I surrender my desire for a logical culmination. I surrender my desire to be healed. The blurriness of being alive. Take it or leave it, and for the most part you take it. Not just the idea of it but the ramifications of it. People love to hate themselves, avoiding the necessary recalibrations. Shame comes from vanity. Shame means you’re guilty, like the rest of us, but you think you’re better than we are. Maybe you are. What would a better me paint? There is no new me, there is no old me, there’s just me, the same me, the whole time. Vanity, vanity, forcing your will on the world. Don’t try to make a stronger wind, you’ll wear yourself out. Build a better sail. You want to solve something? Get out of your own way. What’s the difference between me and the world? Compartmentalization. The world doesn’t know what to do with my love. Because it isn’t used to being loved. It’s a framework problem. Disheartening? Obviously. I hope it’s love. I’m trying really hard to make it love. I said no more severity. I said it severely and slept through all my appointments. I clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary. I’d rather quit. I’d rather be sad. It’s too much work.
But what are you gonna do after that? What if I graduate? What if I quit being an idol? What if I betray you, like I did this time? We’ll end up right where we started. You may be right—if everyone treats me this way.... I might be a special existence. But we’re called geniuses because we’re so scarce; because we’re superior beings who are rarely found. Nothing's gonna last if you make that kinda thing the main shaft, the foundation of your system. I’m not a god, you know? I refuse to walk around carrying the whole earth on my back for everyone else’s sake. I have a dream, too. I have my own life. Are you telling me to give those up to serve everyone else? I don’t wanna say this, but I’m sick of it. If I was born special, I want to grasp something that nobody else can reach. That’s why I became an idol. That’s why I was born into this world. If you’re telling me that’s an unforgivable sin— if even that level of selfishness is unacceptable....
Then I wish I’d never been born. I should’ve stayed a corpse, and returned to the earth without rising.
Hey, bozu. Is it that outrageous for me to want to live a normal life and be happy as a single human?
Am I arrogant for wanting to live my life for my own sake? Isn’t that how everyone else lives? Why can’t I? Why am I the only exception? Is it because I’m not a human, but a vampiric demon? Are you going to treat me like that too?
> Wizards live long lives. Even if they have kids, the kids always die first. You know what happens then? It becomes impossible to grow attached to humans. And without any attachment, your ties to this world grow more and more fragile. That's why we end up with a paradoxical emptiness; we stick around in this world for so long, all while feeling no attachment to anything or anyone.
> Is it the same as being all alone?
> I'd say it's a little different. You can still live all alone while burning your own life away. I'm talking about... the futility of having nobody to pass that smoldered life on to.
> Futility?
> It means being worthless. I don't think there really needs to be any value to life. But sometimes, it feels like a pity. It makes me wonder- the skills, the knowledge, the experience I've gathered... am I gonna let it all turn to dust?
You once tried to remind me I was an investigator. I am the owl... I'm a ghoul now!!! I decided how I'm going to live.
Investigator Amon. You always shone. It was almost blinding. Your righteousness torments me. I realized... I can no longer talk about justice the way you do. Once you sin, you can never go back. Seido Takizawa died in that cell. I can't be righteous now. If I could... I would turn back time. I wish I could be like you guys. But that isn't an option anymore.
I have to be desperate. It's not the same as being reckless. Just one thing. Choosing that one thing. And sticking to it. Mado... Be happy. Investigator Amon's coming back.
When you realize your future's gone to shit, all you have to do is live for somebody else.
That's how I feel now, looking at you...
> We just saved the world-- we cant leave anything to chance.
> But can we change things? If we do it differently?
> What's happened's happened. Which is an expression of faith in the mechanics of the world, not an excuse to do nothing.
> Fate?
> Call it what you want.
> What do you call it?
> Reality. Now let me go.
> You've known me for years?
> For me, I think this is the end of a beautiful friendship.
> And for me it's just the beginning?
> We get up to some stuff. You're gonna love it. This whole operation's a temporal pincer. You're only halfway there. I'll see you at the beginning, friend.